Why I won't wear dresses to Wal-Mart

I HATE Walt-Mart. I don't care that I can get the industrial size 300 ounce of Mustard for only $3.50. I don't live in Utah any more I live in the south and people in the South think people who have 10 years of stored food in the basement are morons. No, I did not say Mormons, I said Morons.

If Wal-Mart want to help the public as much as they claim let's see some walk thru Purell stations that encompass you and your cart and children in sanitizer as you enter and exit the store. That would be a good help to the general public. I have been known to gag in my mouth upon entering the store just from the haze of a new strain of airborne Malaria only indigenous to Wal-Mart. I don't have the privilege of Super Target in the great Palmetto State. Just Target. Nothing Super. So at times I am drivin by my need of cheap grocery's and Wal-Mart is where my car is navigated to. It does not like going willing.

A month ago I had a splendid weekend away with my hubby in the mountains (Ha, I know Utahans that is funny to call them that) anyway I had bought a nice dress. After church on Sunday morning wear I wore the lovely dress I headed to WM. Ugh. Standing in the customer service line to return something from my birthday, thanks dad but the cups broke, I saw what could only be my very own WM person. I waiting in eager anticipation to see if streamers would come down but, I then realized it was up to me to keep the WM people web-site alive and well. I pulled out my phone and snapped the picture. The feeling of having known I glimped something so beautiful as a WM person caught in the act almost brought a tear to my eye. But, my eyes could not close due to the anti-sting spray I apply before I ever enter the store. Think new born baby when they wipe the goo on their eyes when they are first born, same idea.

In almost a euphoria high I begin my walk of the store. As I am walking I keep feeling a bug, or fuslee for those who don't talk German that is F-OW-S-I-L, just say it fast. I brush my leg and for a second it's gone. Then it's back, great I have a WM bug on my leg I'll need to get a shot for sure who knows where it has been. I make my way to there overpriced milk and lean back and brush it away again. No bug this time. Get the milk. Brush the leg again. Get the OJ, brush the leg again. Also during this time I am struggling with what I will call "Wrong Undies Syndrome" when you put some on and you think, Cake, got it no lines. Now a little disclaimer: I fully believe in wearing Spanx if you are awake anytime. But, it's the south and it's hotter than a you know what and Spanx would just not cut it today.: So the WUS is in full force. I opted for the lovely Victoria number that my mom and sister had bought me at Christmas that had no waist band per-say just lace. I quickly remember why I don't wear them, they fall off the waist.

Finally a little old WM lady walks over this is the conversation

WML-Oh honey what's wrong?

WUS (Me): I think I must have a bug bite on my leg it just keeps bothering me, no big deal. Thanks so much though.

WML:Now you just turn around and let me see.

I don't turn so she walks behind me.

Starts to rub my knee and leg-remember we are by the milk, she could have at least taken me to the wine aisle.

WML: I see the problem you have a little string from your dress hem hanging down.

WUS: Oh it's a new dress I should have checked for any little peices of thread. And I didn't

WML: Here let me get it for you

At this time she does not bite it off like any self respecting little old lady would do, she begins to pull, and pull, and pull, oh that's not enough pulling she keeps pulling. I see that the dark thread in her hand. At this point 2 things happen almost simultaneously.

1. My waist area starts to feel a little bit of a breeze

2. Dress is dark navy blue, thread in hand appears darker. mmm maybe that it because it is BLACK as in BLACK LACE FROM SAID UNDIE PROBLEM.

One word - starts with a S and ends with a yes "It" is really happening to you. Karma. Super.

I snatch the tread say thank you, thank you little WML and in my mind I am screaming "You pantie unraveling old hag"

I rip the thread and head for the bathroom, opps can't go the easy way because there is a regular family reunion going on. Head for the way around the meat department. In my hurried shuffle lace is unraveling with the force of a category 5 Hurricane. NNNOOOOOOOO. I begin the "No I don't have to go potty walk, my undies are heading to the ground in front of the BYGO free Oreo's" I realize fast that I have to slow down to keep them up, so I begin the as I like to call it "Keegal Shuffle" Almost like a rhythm Squeeze, Shuffle, Squeeze, Shuffle.... Ah crap traffic jam in front of the ham hock, should have know, damn it. I am now leaning against ground beef case. I have two options I feel at this time.

1. If I bend all the way to the ground like I'm tying my shoe (mm problem you are wearing flip flops, dummy) I could very carefully step out of undie that is at this point on my hips and heading for south of the boarder very fast.

2. Just drop them altogether and run like a crazy woman, and just be known as the crazy women who dropped drawers at WM. Not like that doesn't happen even few days.

No I CAN DO IT I CAN MAKE IT PAST THE PRODUCE AND B-LINE IT TO THE BATHROOM!

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

Well, I made it. No moral to the story, just wanted you to know how Karma works. SO every time you look at the WM people website there is a poor lonely soul who took that picture without underwear on somewhere in the world.

Next time remind me to tell you how, Estee Lauder, the Super Bowl, Chinese Food and a Roots Sweatsuit go together.