School Hangover

First Week of school is almost done, we are on T-minus 4 hours...And we have lift off to the busiest season in the life of a family. Christmas only comes in 2nd.

We all walk around the first week of school glazed over, tired, hungry and don't remember what we have been doing. We promised ourselves that we would be ready. The first week of school would be a breeze. All the clothes are hanging in the closet, paired tops and bottoms, clean socks and shiny new shoes. Hair is cut and lunch boxes are on the counter ready to hit the road. By the end of the 1st day we have done it and even had a hot dinner on the table. Signed the papers from the teachers and go to bed saying a little prayer of thanks for the start of the 1st week. BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP

THAT IS A SOUND OF THAT GIANT TRUCK BACKING UP OVER YOU

So here is the reality of the first week of school

• Alarm sounds- you stretch and yawn. Wow it is a great morning, wait what is that, oh how sweet your hubby has already go up and started the coffee--S.W.A.K xoxo
• Man the kids look angelic this morning. "Hey kiddos how was dream land? You look rested, give me a snuggle and we will go have a extra special breakfast" kiss on the head.
• THAT'S right mommy made Back 2 School pancakes who wants one shaped like an apple or a little boy sitting at his desk- no it was not any trouble at all!
• Teeth are brushed, hair is combed and even the beds are made.
• Oh my goodness we are 10 MINUTES EARLY!! let's all stand by the tree in the front yard and take pictures.
• Off to school and hugs goodbye.
• After school snacks- applesauce and cheese stick
• Hearing about how great the 1st day is.
• Dinner as a family with something that everyone loves and look mom made dessert!! Yeah Mommy
• Bedtime and everything is good...

5th Day of School

• CRAP I totally forgot to set my alarm why didn't you set yours?
• KIDS get out of bed now we are late. Get downstairs now and get breakfast.
• NO I am not making oatmeal do you honestly think I have time to do that right now? NO eat the cereal.
• I told you two to clean out your lunch boxes- they stink
• Don't care if you don't like school lunch, unless you want to wake up earlier and make it yourself
• Yes, I know I am late picking you up I also had to go to another school and pick up your brother, go grocery shopping, make 10,000 copies for the school, buy a back to school present for your teacher, get all that additional supplies you need, and I forgot the milk.
• You seriously want me to make dinner? Are you kidding have a PB&J.
• You all better be on your best behavior and help out because next week we start, soccer, baseball, dance, art, music, church night, running club and cooking class
• AND THAT IS ALL JUST MONDAY!

So no matter how your week started or ended just know that all us mom are in this constant state of "School Hangover" together for the next 9 months...

Highway To Heaven

As I sat in church recently, I wondered if my pastor knew that most of us know how to get to heaven. They teach it in the very beginning. First Sunday school class- God created Heaven and Earth. Second Sunday school class- you get to heaven by listening to your mom and dad and finishing all your broccoli at dinner. Check, got it.

But, the big question is what will take me there? Recently I have thought about that long and hard and it brings me joy when I see the reaction on others faces when I say “Don’t waste your time digging a hole just stick me in a pine box, throw me overboard and let me enjoy the waves." The look of terror crosses the faces of those around me and they assume I’m kidding, I’m not. We put so much money and emphasis on what vehicle we take to see the Almighty that if we stepped back and realized that we could pay for the oil spill just by saving money on funerals we all may sing a different hymn in the end.

Recently I went to a funeral and this dear sweet, old woman was lying in the front of this beautiful chapel and all I could think about was the fact that her casket reminded me of a new Buick. Perfect for a sweet little grandma who lived a perfect little grandma life right until the end. As family celebrated the life of this grand lady I thought of my own grandma 2,500 miles away. She was in a crock-pot.

Not only was she preserved in a crock-pot but we didn't even splurge and get her a new one we used her old one. I think even the knob was held on with super glue. When cleaning out her house several years ago after we all had the dreaded “Grandma we just don’t think you should be alone anymore” talk with her we came across her prized possession, her Crock Pot. We also came across a plain brown paper bag with a bunch of pill bottles in it. I made the mistake of opening one of the bottles and then reading the label. Nope, not some old 1950’s cough syrup she had been saving because she knew one day they would not make it anymore. It read “Red” as in Grandma “Red”. So it seems 14 years before when grandpa died grandma scooped a little of his ashes out of the urn to save to add to hers and for us to add to ours one day as a little “family potpourri”.

It seemed so fitting that we save the Crock Pot and use it as her urn one day. It epitomized everything about her. She was a master food preserver, judging competitions and telling hopeless young moms like myself why our jam didn't set up the way it should. She could dehydrate anything, and I do mean anything. Just a word to the wise, dried apricots looks just like dried salmon but they DO NOT taste the same. Preserving, canning, and pickling ran through her veins like crack for an addict. Frenzy’s started when she would smell cucumbers pickling in a jar of fresh brine. It seemed only fitting that she herself in death as in life be preserved. I’m sure if there were a way she would have loved to be pickled or canned also.
Though it is probably very unorthodox by most modern standard of burial, to my very diverse, and that is saying it nicely, family putting grandmas ashes in a Crock Pot was the only way to send her to heaven.

Being a transplant to the south there are several things I have learned about death, and funerals. Every cemetery is decorated fit for a queen. Everyone has flowers, balloons, Christmas trees, and hearts for Valentines Day. Southerners take tending to the grave very serious. Also people have funerals on Sunday’s here. I’m from Utah and that even causes me to let out a small Gasp. And the last thing I’ve learned is once someone has passed their family takes on a very Jewish or Muslin tradition- Get them in the ground-ASAP. Not my family.

My amazing grandma passed late November 2009; we “Preserved” her for six months. Yes, she hung around on a mantle until everyone in the family and friends far and near could get together to celebrate her. This is not something I advise. Even by Utah standards this was wacky. But, once she was poured very gently and away from any flowing air vents into her trusty blue and cream Crock Pot she was laid to rest. Now I don’t think she was sitting in a holding room in heaven waiting around for us to finally do this. Can you see the conversation? I assume it would go something like this.
Grandma-“Oh hello, Angel of death, now you just go on about your business. My family likes to take their time so I’ll just be in the waiting room.”
Angel of Death- “That is not really the norm Carol, and I’ve seen some crazy stuff. You want me to go haunt them?”
Grandma-“No, I have my knitting and a good book I’ll be just fine. Oh but, if you could tell my husband what is going on that would be great.”
Angel of Death-“You know he has been eagerly waiting for your arrival, he really wants to see you.”
Grandma-“Well it serves him right having to wait for me, I really didn't want to have to wear a C-Pap machine for the last ten years but, he thought no big deal of smoking those cigars. So he is just going to have to wait for me Sugar Babe.”
Angel of Death-“Did you just call me Sugar Babe?”
Grandma-“Yes I did.”
Angel of Death-“Yeah, I really don’t know what to say right now, so you just let me know when you are ready.”

She would not have been bothered about waiting. Now maybe we could have fulfilled her dreams of always wanting a red convertible and sent her on the fast tract to eternity. But, I think she was just fine being preserved for a long road home. In the end isn’t that what we want? To be preserved in the memories of all those that we love, to never be forgot and just hang around like the smell of Sunday Pot Roast that has been cooking in the Crock Pot.

No matter how you mourn the lost of someone all that matter is that you do it. Don't tell people you are fine when you want to yell, yell and if they love you they will understand. I don't know when or where or how I will die but, this is what I'm sure about

1. Do not put me the ground. that is the fastest way for me to haunt you ass.
2. You better cry, and cry a lot I mean weeping at my grave, screaming "WHY, WHY"
3. I would like my mother to come if she is still alive. Now this is a tricky on because if my dad goes first she may just real quick stop by his service with a bag and plane tickets in her hand to Greece. So we may never know when she goes. And my mother really does not like that kind of thing- funerals in general-
4. Sing Morning Has Broken
5. And last but, not least I don't plan on leaving anytime soon so let's just not think about it.

I mourn the lost of my grandma everyday, it's not something that I can just get over. But I can laugh about it, and I can hear her talking to me. When I read I hear her ask about the book. When I cook I hear her say "Oh Kristin that smells so good." When I look at fabric I hear her whisper "Now don't you use the cheap stuff." And this morning when I was picking out cucumbers I heard her say "This just tickles me pink that you want to learn how to pickle and can, that was always my favorite domestic duty."

So you see maybe it was a slow process getting grandma to heaven. I was not able to go to her funeral, Thanks BP you crap heads, so to me she is still knitting booties, drinking Ovaline Milkshakes (Steve-O's) and reading a book with a bowl of popcorn. She is perfectly preserved in my heart and mind. And that folks is something that can't be canned and put on a shelf!

Thanks A lot Bible Ladies

Tonight was the last night of a five week Bible study I have been doing. We have studied the woman of the Bible. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, someone that starts with a B, I didn't do my homework that week. And last and certainly not least Mary. Now that I'm done with said study this is what I have walked away with.

I'm an idiot, who would have been burned at the stake. If I was a pioneer woman my husband would have been the first to take on a sister wife because I would have froze my arse someplace in Missouri. I was not made to be compared to these woman.

Take Ruth for example here it is summed up- Marries, hubby dies, goes with mother-in-law and sister-in-law. MIL says no go to your families home, she begs no I want to stay with you, finds a man, gets all fancy for him, marries him and gives her MIL the baby she has with him. HELLO I don't think so.

Tamar she is one hot mess-
Rahab another hot mess-

Mary she was not to much older than my own daughter. I fight with my daughter about the pros of using her deodorant twice a day. How do you think that conversation would go
"Hannah sweet daughter of my loin, after you use your clinical strength BO stick I have some important news for you. A lovely little angel came and told me that you are going to have the son of God in your womb. Ok honey have a good night sleep."

We are not made to have these types of conversations anymore. We are not the type of woman or men that could do these things. We are weak and that is alright. Stop comparing yourselves to Beyonce or Heidi Klum. Start setting your bar a little higher maybe, Rosa Parks or Betsy Ross. We are not modern day woman that even have the energy to do those things. What if Mary was a modern day woman. The story would be "Joseph I know you are tired but James has a dentist appointment, I promised Elizabeth that I would watch John for her and someone has to follow Jesus around while he feeds the hungry and heals the blind. He's only 14 he should not be doing that alone." I don't think so.

In this modern day we won't even take time to make our own bread and butter and we are pissed if our favorite kind is out of stock.

I know this may not make any sense. But, I for one am not going to sit around and give myself a pity party anymore. I just need to work on being me. I can't even begin to compete with these woman so I won't try anymore. Now they all teach us how to be a better person and do better things. We are fools if we don't take what they have shown us and run with it.

None of us are going to be Mary but, we can all understand what the feeling of loving someone so much that it is indescribable. Isn't that what we all need to aim for? We need to stop being a bunch of unhappy, lazy, people who feel that we are entitled to things without earning them.

And once we have mastered the task of being grateful for what we have then we can all begin mastering the task of being a better person! Until then just try to do one thing everyday that will change you or those around you for the better. We just never know what decision we make today will affect the future. Now I'm not saying go wait at the wall like a hooker. Maybe just push the shopping cart of an overwhelmed mom back to the cart return. Or take a extra second at the red light to smile at the car next to you. What if that changes his mood? You have the power to do that, now JUST DO IT!

Why I won't wear dresses to Wal-Mart

I HATE Walt-Mart. I don't care that I can get the industrial size 300 ounce of Mustard for only $3.50. I don't live in Utah any more I live in the south and people in the South think people who have 10 years of stored food in the basement are morons. No, I did not say Mormons, I said Morons.

If Wal-Mart want to help the public as much as they claim let's see some walk thru Purell stations that encompass you and your cart and children in sanitizer as you enter and exit the store. That would be a good help to the general public. I have been known to gag in my mouth upon entering the store just from the haze of a new strain of airborne Malaria only indigenous to Wal-Mart. I don't have the privilege of Super Target in the great Palmetto State. Just Target. Nothing Super. So at times I am drivin by my need of cheap grocery's and Wal-Mart is where my car is navigated to. It does not like going willing.

A month ago I had a splendid weekend away with my hubby in the mountains (Ha, I know Utahans that is funny to call them that) anyway I had bought a nice dress. After church on Sunday morning wear I wore the lovely dress I headed to WM. Ugh. Standing in the customer service line to return something from my birthday, thanks dad but the cups broke, I saw what could only be my very own WM person. I waiting in eager anticipation to see if streamers would come down but, I then realized it was up to me to keep the WM people web-site alive and well. I pulled out my phone and snapped the picture. The feeling of having known I glimped something so beautiful as a WM person caught in the act almost brought a tear to my eye. But, my eyes could not close due to the anti-sting spray I apply before I ever enter the store. Think new born baby when they wipe the goo on their eyes when they are first born, same idea.

In almost a euphoria high I begin my walk of the store. As I am walking I keep feeling a bug, or fuslee for those who don't talk German that is F-OW-S-I-L, just say it fast. I brush my leg and for a second it's gone. Then it's back, great I have a WM bug on my leg I'll need to get a shot for sure who knows where it has been. I make my way to there overpriced milk and lean back and brush it away again. No bug this time. Get the milk. Brush the leg again. Get the OJ, brush the leg again. Also during this time I am struggling with what I will call "Wrong Undies Syndrome" when you put some on and you think, Cake, got it no lines. Now a little disclaimer: I fully believe in wearing Spanx if you are awake anytime. But, it's the south and it's hotter than a you know what and Spanx would just not cut it today.: So the WUS is in full force. I opted for the lovely Victoria number that my mom and sister had bought me at Christmas that had no waist band per-say just lace. I quickly remember why I don't wear them, they fall off the waist.

Finally a little old WM lady walks over this is the conversation

WML-Oh honey what's wrong?

WUS (Me): I think I must have a bug bite on my leg it just keeps bothering me, no big deal. Thanks so much though.

WML:Now you just turn around and let me see.

I don't turn so she walks behind me.

Starts to rub my knee and leg-remember we are by the milk, she could have at least taken me to the wine aisle.

WML: I see the problem you have a little string from your dress hem hanging down.

WUS: Oh it's a new dress I should have checked for any little peices of thread. And I didn't

WML: Here let me get it for you

At this time she does not bite it off like any self respecting little old lady would do, she begins to pull, and pull, and pull, oh that's not enough pulling she keeps pulling. I see that the dark thread in her hand. At this point 2 things happen almost simultaneously.

1. My waist area starts to feel a little bit of a breeze

2. Dress is dark navy blue, thread in hand appears darker. mmm maybe that it because it is BLACK as in BLACK LACE FROM SAID UNDIE PROBLEM.

One word - starts with a S and ends with a yes "It" is really happening to you. Karma. Super.

I snatch the tread say thank you, thank you little WML and in my mind I am screaming "You pantie unraveling old hag"

I rip the thread and head for the bathroom, opps can't go the easy way because there is a regular family reunion going on. Head for the way around the meat department. In my hurried shuffle lace is unraveling with the force of a category 5 Hurricane. NNNOOOOOOOO. I begin the "No I don't have to go potty walk, my undies are heading to the ground in front of the BYGO free Oreo's" I realize fast that I have to slow down to keep them up, so I begin the as I like to call it "Keegal Shuffle" Almost like a rhythm Squeeze, Shuffle, Squeeze, Shuffle.... Ah crap traffic jam in front of the ham hock, should have know, damn it. I am now leaning against ground beef case. I have two options I feel at this time.

1. If I bend all the way to the ground like I'm tying my shoe (mm problem you are wearing flip flops, dummy) I could very carefully step out of undie that is at this point on my hips and heading for south of the boarder very fast.

2. Just drop them altogether and run like a crazy woman, and just be known as the crazy women who dropped drawers at WM. Not like that doesn't happen even few days.

No I CAN DO IT I CAN MAKE IT PAST THE PRODUCE AND B-LINE IT TO THE BATHROOM!

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

Well, I made it. No moral to the story, just wanted you to know how Karma works. SO every time you look at the WM people website there is a poor lonely soul who took that picture without underwear on somewhere in the world.

Next time remind me to tell you how, Estee Lauder, the Super Bowl, Chinese Food and a Roots Sweatsuit go together.

My Birth---Day

Yesterday I had a visit. Form the age fairy. I don't like the age fairy. I have always had a slight aversion to birthdays. Mine have never been that great. When those around me it seemed, always had such wonderful, beautiful days. I think those people suck. I have a very distinct memory as a little girl I guess I was about 5 or 6 this was the time that everyone wore one piece jumpers. They were gathered in the waist and you tied it at the shoulders. I wanted one- a black one the be exact. My birthday comes around and I open the box and there is a flowery jumper in there. I remember staring at my mom and saying "I just wanted black" she gave me some song and dance about how black was not for little girls. That's crap, all I wanted was for it to be black. My birthday, you ask "What do you want" I say a black jumper end of story. It is not a mind game or a difficult riddle they need to figure out. After that I think I pretty much figured out birthday's were just not my thing.

I enjoy celebrating birthday's and I am a self proclaimed excellent gift giver. My go WAAAYYYY over the top for my kids and love every minute of it.

Here are some of the top reasons that my birthday has not lived up to my 5 year old self standard

1. When I was about 8 my mom let me invite some girls over for a party. A girl we will call French Fry, told me that if I didn't bring her the present she got me to her the next day she would pants me in front of Kenyon. (She was an evil girl, almost of the devil evil. But, she was the only girl in the neighborhood close to my age so she was the only one I could play with. Ah I could have my own blog about her evil ways)
2. My mom got me a bra for my birthday one year and I opened it in front of my dad and uncles and they teased me. I started counseling soon after that.
3. When I was 4 my Uncle Ken- my dad's best friend- got me a parakeet, I was thrilled I wanted an animal soooo much. I assume that he did not ask my parents permission or else they would have said no. Anyways Mindy was so beautiful I was so proud I even invited French Fry over to see her. A couple months went by and Mindy was loving her life as my little bird she had a place of honor on the top of the dresser in the room I shared with my sister, Julie. We also had a dart board in the room- above the cage. Well of couse I come home go to check on my Mindy, she is laying on one side the cage and her eye the other. A dart is on the ground. That's right folks, my sister killed my bird. RIP Mindy. A moment of silence please...............................................................................................................................................................
4. When I was 13 I was so excited I was a teenager. That year I had meet all kinds of new friends and my best friends Carina and Kim and I were inseparable. I had gave both of the a surprise party and we had a great time. So I was sure that with school out they would do it for me. I waited all day, knowing at any time someone would burst in. Yeah, no they came for about 1/2 hour and brought me a balloon and drink for 7-11.
5. When I turned 14 we had moved from West Valley to Sandy. At the end of my 8th grade year. I was so sad. And made sure my parents knew it. No friends came to visit unless my mom picked them up, no party nothing. It was not good. My mom knew I was about to go 14 year old crazy on her so she had my sister take me to Smith's and get a birthday cake and she would pick it up latter. Well I was the one that started the revolution of MTV's Blingest Birthday Cakes. I ordered a giant cake and then took my time with Julie arranging all the little plastic people for all the different cakes on it. I had one from an over the hill cake of a big man with his remote in a brown recliner in the middle, a hunter holding a shot gun to his head, deer throughout, Little Mermaid swimming, you name it I had it. My mom comes home hours latter livid. My cake cost over $ 60.00. But, in my defense we used those figures on all future cakes for years.
6. When I was pregnant with Hannah I was on very limited activity. Because I was the size of a killer whale and if the flood gates should open, I would be my own personally Tsunami. I was fat, swollen, hot, tired, throwing up ALL DAY LONG, I could have been the spokes person for abstinence in high schools and becoming a nun would have been on the rise. We will call her Geo, Geo was visiting our family. That night my grandma was making a nice meal and everyone was going to come over as stare at me waiting for me to pop look Veruka on Willey Wonka. Fun times for all. Anyways I was resting in my parents room and Geo was in the other room talking to my gram. She told gram how a friend had given her this set of little wire birds. I thought wire birds, that's dumb. We can all see where this is going. Yeah, she gave me a wire bird that evening, not only that she also talked about how when she saw these she thought about how I was the mamma bird and I would look after my baby bird. We should have know then that gram was failing, she was sitting there crying. Like this was a whole new story and she had never seen the birds. Good lord, if you are going to re-gift, DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT AND DON"T TALK ABOUT IT IN THE SAME PLACE AS THE NEW GIFTEE. GOLL SHE WAS A WANKER
7. I've spend two birthday's alone
8. My family buried my grandpa and celebrated my birthday the same weekend, classy.
9. When I was pregnant with Jeffrey and Hannah was 2 they told us on my birthday that the swollen lymph node could possible be Lymphoma Cancer. They would do surgery ASAP.
10. And the top reason birthday's suck.... Yesterday was the first birthday without my grandma. She was usually the 1st to call. When I lived in St. George both years she showed up before 9 am (Grandma sleeps till like noon) she told me the 1st year she was so excited that she got to be with me and how much she loved me. Called me Sugarbabe gave me a kiss and just stayed with me all day. The next year she showed up and we quilted, and she told me stories, we napped, watched movies and went to dinner. Every year she gave me a card telling me how much she loved me, what I had done that year to show such strength and courage. And she always gave me a cookbook. I loved my grandma more than words can describe. I understand she is better off now, no pain, watching over us, we'll be together, yada yada. But, today or well yesterday was my day. All about me, and well it was MY first MY day without her and well it hurts so bad it takes my breath away.

Excuse me but, you have dancing boobs

Today I watched in wonder as a grown woman carried around a little dog in the front of her shirt stuffed between her breast. I saw several people touching her there and wondered what the hell?

Then a little flesh toned Taco Bell dog stuck it's little head up. Nahhhh, this is some kind of joke she just has a really nasty puppet she shows little kids. Nope. A dog.

Now here is the thing I love animals. Dogs most of all. When I was little all I ever wanted was a dog. I would steal them every so often from the neighbors down the street, now that I'm older I now understand why my mom use to call them trailer trash. They had all kinds of little dogs. So every couple months I would take one that was wondering bring it home and start to cry. "Mom look how cute it has no home, and it loves me already", she would yell at me tell me to stop stealing the neighbor doors and bring it home.

My dad being the brainiac of the family thought the only way to give me a taste of real pet ownership was to buy me some fish. Fish the most worthless family pet ever. Here sit in front of a glass tank and watch fish swim from one end to the other. Now here is the really great part.

1. DON'T EVER TOUCH THEM
2. DON'T EVER TRY TO GET THERE ATTENTION

That is pretty much all there is. Ignore them and before you know it you will have a Plecostomus named Sam that is a foot long. Super can we bring them to show and tale? No.

I use to love to go to my best friends house because she had dogs, all kinds. Big ones, small one, ugly ones, cute ones. You name it. I was in heaven.

But, I came home to fish. So you see I understand the love people have for pets. It is a deep love. One that at times you think you may love your animal more than your kids and husband.

When I was 13 just before Christmas I had just had another big fight with my parents about why they did not love me because they would not get me a freakin dog. I remember my mom saying "But, we take you to Europe and you have seen castles" Well you know what mom, even Crazy King Ludwig had a dog. My dad left all huffy and angry that he was dealing with this again. Three house later he walked in the kitchen where I was with my mom and said "Merry Christmas" wrapped in his coat was the picture perfect little tiny black puppy. Thor. Thor was the love of my life. I even thought about giving up my love for The New Kids One The Block for him- but, remember I was 13.

Thor brought this family together. The stern banker carried around this little puppy in a Santa hat for weeks, tucked him under the covers with him when they took naps. The stone cold heart of the German softened ever so slightly. Now it is most likely a old family myth but, it has been told that she uttered the words, "OHHH mommy loves her little Thor" Now she could be placed in a Mexican War camp before she would ever admit to it. The 17 year old, Julie even feel in love with Thor. Our family went a little crazy for this little dog.

Thor was with us for 13 years. I could write many stories about Thor, but I will do that another day. The point is we love dogs. My dogs now are like other hairy children. Alsta is deaf and we are waiting for her to join Thor soon. Phoebe is my sweetheart. I adore them.

But, how would it look if I went for a walk and a German Shepard stuck her head out from between my breast? Where do you store the leash?

Now I think dog strollers are one of the dumbest inventions ever. However I will take that over this any day.

People that go overboard with there animals are freaks. Just being honest. You are not ok in the nogin if you think it's ok to feed your animal off of your fork then stick it into the salad that everyone else is eating. Do people need to take classes when they get animals?

• No I will not leave my dog in a hot or cold car
• No I will not let my dog off their leash at the park
• No I will not let me dog create a nest between my boobs and carry it around.

That seems like common sense.