You would think it would be easy for someone like myself to find the words to write that would spark a deep desire for someone to read them. It has not- yet.
I read other blogs and most the time think that the person is writing what they want others to hear or a, read. They think they are writing a book in which the audience has waited for months to come out. Nope, we just want you to be real. I was following a blog for a few months because the person writing it claimed to be a witch. Yes that is a W not a B. She was a Witch mom who would talk about some crazy stuff. And I'll be honest I like crazy. But after a while it was the same stuff. I no longer follow her. Another person that I follow has some great tips and does some very cool stuff on her blog. Two problems though- she makes everything just perfect with a cherry on top. And 2nd, she is not giving the reader anything that shows us who she is. Everyone can seem perfect but in a world of chaos we don't want perfect. We want real.
My favorite blog is my sisters. She may be so real that it might need to start having a rating system. Over the past year she has gone through a horrible divorce, faced selling her home, lived in a friends basement, moved again, faced the trials of being a single mother, and fallen in love and had her heart broken. She has dated a few losers, dated a couple idiots, had her ex want her back (btw COLD DAY IN HELL), had her lady materials riped out, and faced it all with sorrow, humor, humility and a little love and sadness thrown in.
She says the things the rest of what to say. Sometimes our kids piss us off. She says it. There are days when the whole world is falling in on us and all we want is to stay in bed, with a bottle of Rum- even if you don't drink. But instead we talk about how perfect everything is, the laundry is done and I use Tide and get a coupon for it here ---- with a link to it. You know what I want a link to? The companies that make Anti-Depressants or Rum! I bet mine would get more hits.
I can make my case for loving my life and loving my husband and kids everyday. To be honest there are days when they drive me crazy. Would it kill my husband to turn off the damn Dish TV at night so I don't wake up to see the blue light. And if I roll over and roll on his freakin Black(Crack)berry I will one day run over it with my car.
I love my daughter would die for her. However she is 12 1/2 so in 2011 language that means she is hovering around 16. She is the perfect combination of a cute little newborn puppy and a rattlesnake. If she begins to rattle just back away and don't make eye contact. She can strike at any minute. Every morning I ask God to remind me how I felt at her age and I try hard. "Mom does this look awesome of what"? I want to say you look like a doof but, I think of my four inch West Valley Bangs and just smile and say you are beautiful no matter what you put on. Even those horrible Pirate Boots!
My little boy is not so little any more. I have soaked up everything about him being a boy- the Lego's that I step on at 2a.m. when I check on him. The Lego's in every room of our house, the Lego's that have set up camp in my sinks. The dirt that follows him everywhere. The endless lesson's he gives me about the Padawan person in Star Wars. All the episodes of Myth Busters I have to watch when honestly I want to watch Jersylicious. Having a son is a gift and a mean trip all at once. They wrap their moms around their little dirty fingers. You teach them everything, do it all for them and what do they do- LEAVE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. What the hell? What kind of mean trick is that. Now the man who can keep up with Hannah I'm not worried about because she is full of fire and won't let a man keep her down.
The woman who gets to be lucky enough to marry my Jeffrey well, she will never be good enough. She will never love him like his mommy does! I already don't like her wherever she is playing on a playground right now.
I have several really close girlfriends who have just in the past 6 weeks had new babies. It has been really hard for me. I envy them, I long to be that new mom with all the promise that this little life holds. The late nights holding them until your arms are numb, the joy that you feel when they smile the first time. After my awful pregnancy with Hannah I made sure to enjoy every minute of her precious little life. I figured it would only be by the grace of God that I would ever have another one. I spent days just looking at her, taking in each perfect part of her. I took tons of pictures, and videos. I watched her sleep, I helped her look for bugs at the park, she would spend hours with the giant bags of paper towel ls building things. I was sure at that moment she was the brightest child EVER. I cried when she went to Pre-School, and every year after on the first day of school.
I did the same for Jeffrey. With him I knew that I had to remember everything he did. Everyday I wondered if he would get sick and end up in the hospital. I love being a mom, there is nothing in the world that I could ever imagine being. Little hands and feet, snuggling when they just want "mommy". Playing school, or tea party, reading their favorite book just one more time. Driving back to grandma's at midnight because you forgot Choo-choo and he can't sleep without it. Spending a small fortune on the most adorable dance outfit for her to just stand on the stage and then begin picking something off her shoe. But, you tell her she was the best one up there.
Having your heart break when they cry for you when they are in time out. The first time they go in the "Big Boy" bathroom alone. When they tell you they will go walk into the first day of class alone this time. When they ask you to be quiet because they are trying to read. When you realize you have just left them home alone to run to the store.
It goes so fast, like warp speed on a video game. No more gushing over their cute little sparkle shoes they won't take off. They are now borrowing your shoes. They don't need Choo Choo in bed with them, just on the chair, in case.
You realize you are done being Mommy. The only thing you will be is Grandma one day- waaaayyyyy in the future.
No more bottles, diapers, cribs, Elmo, or just the knowledge that you have this amazing little person who needs only you. There was a big part of me that figured one day we would adopt or magically have another baby. It feels as though my family is missing someone. Unfortunately Steve didn't get that memo. I will enjoy all the babies around me but will always have a sad heart.
They say when you get to heaven you are shown almost a snap shoot of your life. I don't want to see the bad. But, I can't wait to relive the births of my children and seeing them as innocent little kids. I have no double that I will send them off to Prom with tears, and when they go to college I will be a wreck. I can somehow picture Hannah in a long white dress on her wedding day. And in the FAR off distant becoming a mother. I will tell her to do what I did, forget the laundry for a day and just love that baby.
Jeffrey will do great things in his life. He will fall in love and I hope pick the perfect bride, he will become an amazing father because he has one to show him. It's my hope that one day he understands how to be respectful to his wife and never, ever bring the Blackberry to their bed!
Choo Choo may not make it much longer. His edges are torn and have been sewn several times, he is thin and frayed. But, he will stay with me in my cedar chest so when I feel sad I can hold him for just a moment and remember that I had my time and they were the best days of my life.
