The church I go to and LOVE, with a deep passion, really beats into us that when we transform, be it now a Christ follower, or transform that way we use to behave to the way we SHOULD behave, it should be noticeable. As Walt Tanner says often "Transform like you've been hit head on by a MAC truck".
SO I want to transform. I want to transform into what I know I CAN BE, instead of what I have been sitting around waiting TO BE. Make sense?
You might wonder how does someone as funny as me transform when you might be saying "Oh Kristin you are already perfect why change?" I know, I know, silly question. You might just be shocked to know that I'm what's the word..mmmmm- SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND! That's why I know that I need to Transform. It's not a bad thing, it's a mind, spiritual, and healing thing. I am going to let go of all the maybes, and one day's and deal with the yes I will and today is as good a day as any.
You might not notice it, you might not even care. But, I am held accountable for what changes in my life that I make. So what might you ask am I aiming for?
Bullet point time, I love that time
- This is a big one for me and one that I honestly think I might fail at- just being real here. I want to go from being Hannah's wardened to being her leader. Let me explain. I have read the books, I have shed the tears and I have resolved to just be the mom and tell her where the bear craps. It didn't work. I will show her by example what kind of friend, mother, wife, sister, and Christ follower I want her to look up to. This spicy 12 year old shows me new things all the time. But she is the child and I'm the mom. So I can lead her to water tell her to drink but, she may not know how. So I plan to stick my head in the bucket and drink and drink. And I also plan to start giving myself a party the week of her birthday every year. It's a little bit "Look we didn't kill each other" but mostly it's "Look at this amazing young woman who navigated through being a tween like a pro, she's my daughter how cool is that". Simple
- I will transform from thinking I'm Steve's cook, maid, and other very Carol Bradyish things to being in this 50/50. I'd love to say Batman and Robin but who's kidding who here Robin was just eye candy. Steve is so wonderful and I am the most horrible wife ever. If they ever give out awards I'll get it. I know I can be someone that Steve is so proud of, all my faults and flaws. So through prayer, and letting go of all my childhood issues I'm going to be the spouse Steve deserves.
- I will stop feeling bad for myself. Or maybe it's worrying that I need to stop doing. Recently I had a long- very long talk with God. He and I fight, laugh and cry together. I am sure he also thinks it's a good thing I'm on medication. I worry about things to the point that I get physically sick. You name it family, kids, work, money, health, the stray cat- I worry. I finally after a long chat turned it all over to Him. That was a tough one to swallow. I shared things with Steve that I planned on taking to my grave, I uttered words that I never planned on saying and in the end. Someone removed giant weights off of my shoulders. The tightness in my chest has not totally stopped but, at least I'm not worried anymore about it.
- It's no secret to family and friend that I really wanted to have another child. Truly I always figured I would. But, after Jeffrey my priorities changed and went all to taking care of him. Now ten years down the road I'm thinking ok let's do this. MMM several problem with that. No lady parts, no way to have a baby, if I wanted to do adoption it would takes lots of money and many years. So that just does not work. I am bright enough to know that I don't want to have a 16 year old, a 14 year old and a new born. That is not fair to any of them. And after prayer Steve just didn't feel warm and fuzzy about it. So I thought foster care. I can't tell you how many people have told me "Sorry we just don't need families like we use to." Oh ok. So after lots of tears, I finally transformed my heart and gave it away. So if it's meant to be it will happen. We have a steam in the backyard I guess I better keep my eye out for a basket! It will be alright I really believe that now. Either some crazy situation will happen and we won't have time to hash it out we will just jump. Or we will just have to wait to be grandparents- which better not be until both kids are 30 and Doctors.
So far today my miracle- I want to panic and worry but instead I'm going to take a walk, clean the kitchen and take some pictures. And for 10 a.m. in the morning that's just fine.
