Marriage for the Middle Ages

So when was the last time you were truly slap your mama happy? No worries, or even more if there were worries you didn't worry about them?

How often do we get that type of divine time? Once, maybe twice. Anyone who says the last time they were truly THAT happy was in the say the delivery room- they are lying. I don't care how long you waited for that baby, how awful the pregnancy, whatever, you are relieved that you have a beautiful baby, even so full of emotion that you don't care who sees your lady humps, and bumps and dimples and dumps. But you were not happy. There is a difference.

Almost two weeks ago now I witnesses happiness. In the most pure form that I think I have ever seen.

My sister, Julie, got married. Now Julie has been married before, she has my two as I like to call them, out of body children. I think I actually love them as much as my two kids I just don't have to pay for them, can give them back and though I was there when they were born I don't have to privilege of claiming any stretch marks.

I'm sure Julie was happy at the first wedding. But not the happy she was two weeks ago. I tried and thought about my own wedding and I was nervous and excited but, not the happiest I've ever been. Is that odd? Maybe.

Julie jumped off the "Heading to be single forever, I am badass and don't need a man" train. Straight on the "Gosh darn sweet baby boy, I don't care how many kids you have (Four by the way) or that you and I only known each other a couple weeks. I done fall head over heels in love wit ya!" Yeah it was that kind of happy.

Marriage and courting the second time around don't really work the way they do the first time. I can now see why lots of animals in the wild (lobsters) mate for life. It's hard to have to do it a second time and make sure it's right this time around. No one walks into marriage with the divorce papers in the works, especially not my sister. You know that scene in the original National Lampoons, Vacation, when the cop pulls Clark over because he forgot to get the dog from the back of the car bumper at the rest stop. The cops says "The little fella held on as long as it could", that was my sister. She held on as long as she could almost 14 years of running. No one thought she would finally lift her legs and just lay down.

So here are some differences of 20 something marriage and Middle Age (30 something) marriage

• You can't wait to have sex---You can wait cause really your tired and need a nap
• You are goo goo gaga over the ring----You realize that damn you want a bigger one than you had before
• So excited when you get your tenth set of Pyrex dishes so you can invite your in-laws over and cook them dinner---Don't give me one set of Pyrex and honestly I've done the whole in-laws thing and honestly that whole "if you marry me you marry my family, yeah not this time"
• You can't wait for people to ask when you will move into your own little house---Crap now one of you have to move and there is no way you are living in, her, old house. And he is not going to sleep in, his, bed.
• You have the line down pat- "We are just going to enjoy being newlyweds and spend every waking minute with each other and go to Hawaii for our anniversary, move into a house then start a family". You nearly can see hearts and unicorns shoot out their butts.---HELL NO we are not having kids I lost count on how many we have together.
• What's mine is his and what's his is mine. Chores, kids, money....---This is mine don't look at it, touch it or I will know, you will take out the garbage, and yes I have a secret bank account that you will not touch until I know you are not the like the D-bag I married before.
• The wedding will include everyone we love, just a time to celebrate our love---We are going to dance and I'm going to have the cake I want to actually eat. And again it's optional if either of our families even come because really we are the ones paying this time around.

Marriage is tough, add 6 kids, one dog that will never die and a stalking bird that is waiting to attack at any moment and you have a Brady Bunch for the new millennium. Will it work? I think so. Will it be tough? Yup.

But no matter what you have faced or will face it still comes down to that stupid vinyl sign that every good newlywed couple have on a wall in their apartment, All Because Two People Fell In Love. Now it just says," All because two people tried to put up with the other persons crap for far to long and they finally realized you will never change so they left got a life, became the person they knew they should be, gained self-esteem and found a new person that was willing to try it again".

Now you will need a large wall to put that up on but isn't that what we all want? Someone that realizes that it's hard, harder than you will ever think. Then once in a while you will meet someone that is maybe not the perfect prince charming but you realized that he does not exists. He's kind, a hard worker, makes you smile, is willing to make the kids smile, and honestly you just have not been this happy is a very long time. It's that simple.

Congratulations Lance and Julie... I love you both

Thank you both for letting me witness happiness, love and celebration. You have no idea how much it meant to me to be at your wedding.

Love,

Kris

Mother's Day

Dear God,

Hi we spoke this morning in church when I asked for patience in all that I ask for, yeah well I'm past that. From this moment on would you please add a little instruction manual to babies. These are the following things to include

1. On Mother's Day- as in the day set aside to thank your mother for pushing you out of her body or having it cut open so you could be born, please do not fight with your sibling so your mother has to utter the words "I remember when I wasn't a mother kinda fondly right now". It ruins the whole Mojo of the day
2. When you are dirty and people can actually smell you take a shower
3. Don't make Mother's Day about you. This is not your day, you will have every other day of your mother's life until you have children then you too are not as important and those perfect little grandchildren.
4. A present for your mother on Mother's Day is not letting her snuggle with you while you watch re-runs of Phinas and Phern. That is not a gift
5. When you are old enough and have earned a little money as much as we love your little hand made presents it's time for so gifts kids.
6. Don't blame not having a decent Mother's Day present on your dad, he had his own list.
7. Seriously when your mom tells you the dreaded "I brought you to this earth I can take you out" line she means it I gave her that right.
8. Do not feed your mom egg salad made from the left over eggs from Easter, two weeks ago. Even though moms are armed with an immune system that can stand up to most weapons even moms can get food poisoning.
9. Do not ask your mom if she wants a boob job for Mother's Day since her boobs sag- they sag because of you. 18 on the beach, nice and high, Breast feeding kids, loowwww.
10. Try to love your mom with all you have. Because she loves you more than even I can understand!

Thank you for doing that, we will get the Father's List next month.

Kristin Allen

Transform

WOW That can be a scary word. You either think of a sexy Josh Duhmel running around shooting a gun...let's just sit on that one for a moment...........................................SNAP back to reality. But, as much as I could just end this post there, there really is more to it.

The church I go to and LOVE, with a deep passion, really beats into us that when we transform, be it now a Christ follower, or transform that way we use to behave to the way we SHOULD behave, it should be noticeable. As Walt Tanner says often "Transform like you've been hit head on by a MAC truck".

SO I want to transform. I want to transform into what I know I CAN BE, instead of what I have been sitting around waiting TO BE. Make sense?

You might wonder how does someone as funny as me transform when you might be saying "Oh Kristin you are already perfect why change?" I know, I know, silly question. You might just be shocked to know that I'm what's the word..mmmmm- SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND! That's why I know that I need to Transform. It's not a bad thing, it's a mind, spiritual, and healing thing. I am going to let go of all the maybes, and one day's and deal with the yes I will and today is as good a day as any.

You might not notice it, you might not even care. But, I am held accountable for what changes in my life that I make. So what might you ask am I aiming for?

Bullet point time, I love that time

• This is a big one for me and one that I honestly think I might fail at- just being real here. I want to go from being Hannah's wardened to being her leader. Let me explain. I have read the books, I have shed the tears and I have resolved to just be the mom and tell her where the bear craps. It didn't work. I will show her by example what kind of friend, mother, wife, sister, and Christ follower I want her to look up to. This spicy 12 year old shows me new things all the time. But she is the child and I'm the mom. So I can lead her to water tell her to drink but, she may not know how. So I plan to stick my head in the bucket and drink and drink. And I also plan to start giving myself a party the week of her birthday every year. It's a little bit "Look we didn't kill each other" but mostly it's "Look at this amazing young woman who navigated through being a tween like a pro, she's my daughter how cool is that". Simple
• I will transform from thinking I'm Steve's cook, maid, and other very Carol Bradyish things to being in this 50/50. I'd love to say Batman and Robin but who's kidding who here Robin was just eye candy. Steve is so wonderful and I am the most horrible wife ever. If they ever give out awards I'll get it. I know I can be someone that Steve is so proud of, all my faults and flaws. So through prayer, and letting go of all my childhood issues I'm going to be the spouse Steve deserves.
• I will stop feeling bad for myself. Or maybe it's worrying that I need to stop doing. Recently I had a long- very long talk with God. He and I fight, laugh and cry together. I am sure he also thinks it's a good thing I'm on medication. I worry about things to the point that I get physically sick. You name it family, kids, work, money, health, the stray cat- I worry. I finally after a long chat turned it all over to Him. That was a tough one to swallow. I shared things with Steve that I planned on taking to my grave, I uttered words that I never planned on saying and in the end. Someone removed giant weights off of my shoulders. The tightness in my chest has not totally stopped but, at least I'm not worried anymore about it.
• It's no secret to family and friend that I really wanted to have another child. Truly I always figured I would. But, after Jeffrey my priorities changed and went all to taking care of him. Now ten years down the road I'm thinking ok let's do this. MMM several problem with that. No lady parts, no way to have a baby, if I wanted to do adoption it would takes lots of money and many years. So that just does not work. I am bright enough to know that I don't want to have a 16 year old, a 14 year old and a new born. That is not fair to any of them. And after prayer Steve just didn't feel warm and fuzzy about it. So I thought foster care. I can't tell you how many people have told me "Sorry we just don't need families like we use to." Oh ok. So after lots of tears, I finally transformed my heart and gave it away. So if it's meant to be it will happen. We have a steam in the backyard I guess I better keep my eye out for a basket! It will be alright I really believe that now. Either some crazy situation will happen and we won't have time to hash it out we will just jump. Or we will just have to wait to be grandparents- which better not be until both kids are 30 and Doctors.

So I'm going to take things slow and wait to see what awesome things happen. It won't always be a MAC truck but, you would still feel a little bump if a Prius hit you. Everyday something great will happen. I'm obsessed with a book called 17 Second Miracles. And now I'm on the look out for my miracle's everyday.

So far today my miracle- I want to panic and worry but instead I'm going to take a walk, clean the kitchen and take some pictures. And for 10 a.m. in the morning that's just fine.

• 
  

Frayed Edge

When I was 16 I spent some of the summer in Germany. My accessory for the trip was a new camera. My parents gave it to me so I stopped asking them to use there's while we vacationed. And also because my mom takes about as many pictures of us as a blind person has eyeglasses. Nuff Said

I get two amazing "gifts" from my family

#1- I can cook because my grandma's are both amazing cooks and my mom is not to shabby

#2- I have an "interesting" eye for photography. My grandpa Red was an awesome photographer. Most of them were of fish, desert or my sister and I when we were little.

I love to take photos. Not just any photos but, fun, crazy, thought out pics. My arsenal if full of my sister in some kind of mind bending photo wizardly that I set up.

I wish that I could have been the one taking photos of my pregnancy and the birth of both kids because the people who did SUCKED.

Over the years I have got some pictures that to this day when I see them it floods me with emotions.

My goal for my life has been this-

I need someone to pay me to do my three favorite things

#1-Cook

#2- Take Pictures

#3- Write

So now is the time. I won't be the best, some may not like them. I don't plan on spending years and years taking classing, spending oodles of mula and get a degree in photography. Who the hell am I kidding I have 2 kids, a mortgage and a life. Not happening

Over the last year I knew I was waiting for "something" I needed the thing for me. I have struggled with this and spent many nights awake, worrying that I needed something that I control. I trust in God's answers and I seek them out, praying and reading my Bible.

Well, Heaven sent my answer via Santa. Kinda fitting.

I don't like presents, get embarrassed or upset when I get them. Not this time

I was given my "answer" in the form of a new Cannon professional series camera. It is beautiful and I sleep with it by my side of the bed. No lie.

So I am jumping off the edge and in the next three months

The Thread Photography

Will be born!!!!!!!

Very Awesome I do say

2011-.

You would think it would be easy for someone like myself to find the words to write that would spark a deep desire for someone to read them. It has not- yet.

I read other blogs and most the time think that the person is writing what they want others to hear or a, read. They think they are writing a book in which the audience has waited for months to come out. Nope, we just want you to be real. I was following a blog for a few months because the person writing it claimed to be a witch. Yes that is a W not a B. She was a Witch mom who would talk about some crazy stuff. And I'll be honest I like crazy. But after a while it was the same stuff. I no longer follow her. Another person that I follow has some great tips and does some very cool stuff on her blog. Two problems though- she makes everything just perfect with a cherry on top. And 2nd, she is not giving the reader anything that shows us who she is. Everyone can seem perfect but in a world of chaos we don't want perfect. We want real.

My favorite blog is my sisters. She may be so real that it might need to start having a rating system. Over the past year she has gone through a horrible divorce, faced selling her home, lived in a friends basement, moved again, faced the trials of being a single mother, and fallen in love and had her heart broken. She has dated a few losers, dated a couple idiots, had her ex want her back (btw COLD DAY IN HELL), had her lady materials riped out, and faced it all with sorrow, humor, humility and a little love and sadness thrown in.

She says the things the rest of what to say. Sometimes our kids piss us off. She says it. There are days when the whole world is falling in on us and all we want is to stay in bed, with a bottle of Rum- even if you don't drink. But instead we talk about how perfect everything is, the laundry is done and I use Tide and get a coupon for it here ---- with a link to it. You know what I want a link to? The companies that make Anti-Depressants or Rum! I bet mine would get more hits.

I can make my case for loving my life and loving my husband and kids everyday. To be honest there are days when they drive me crazy. Would it kill my husband to turn off the damn Dish TV at night so I don't wake up to see the blue light. And if I roll over and roll on his freakin Black(Crack)berry I will one day run over it with my car.

I love my daughter would die for her. However she is 12 1/2 so in 2011 language that means she is hovering around 16. She is the perfect combination of a cute little newborn puppy and a rattlesnake. If she begins to rattle just back away and don't make eye contact. She can strike at any minute. Every morning I ask God to remind me how I felt at her age and I try hard. "Mom does this look awesome of what"? I want to say you look like a doof but, I think of my four inch West Valley Bangs and just smile and say you are beautiful no matter what you put on. Even those horrible Pirate Boots!

My little boy is not so little any more. I have soaked up everything about him being a boy- the Lego's that I step on at 2a.m. when I check on him. The Lego's in every room of our house, the Lego's that have set up camp in my sinks. The dirt that follows him everywhere. The endless lesson's he gives me about the Padawan person in Star Wars. All the episodes of Myth Busters I have to watch when honestly I want to watch Jersylicious. Having a son is a gift and a mean trip all at once. They wrap their moms around their little dirty fingers. You teach them everything, do it all for them and what do they do- LEAVE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. What the hell? What kind of mean trick is that. Now the man who can keep up with Hannah I'm not worried about because she is full of fire and won't let a man keep her down.

The woman who gets to be lucky enough to marry my Jeffrey well, she will never be good enough. She will never love him like his mommy does! I already don't like her wherever she is playing on a playground right now.

I have several really close girlfriends who have just in the past 6 weeks had new babies. It has been really hard for me. I envy them, I long to be that new mom with all the promise that this little life holds. The late nights holding them until your arms are numb, the joy that you feel when they smile the first time. After my awful pregnancy with Hannah I made sure to enjoy every minute of her precious little life. I figured it would only be by the grace of God that I would ever have another one. I spent days just looking at her, taking in each perfect part of her. I took tons of pictures, and videos. I watched her sleep, I helped her look for bugs at the park, she would spend hours with the giant bags of paper towel ls building things. I was sure at that moment she was the brightest child EVER. I cried when she went to Pre-School, and every year after on the first day of school.

I did the same for Jeffrey. With him I knew that I had to remember everything he did. Everyday I wondered if he would get sick and end up in the hospital. I love being a mom, there is nothing in the world that I could ever imagine being. Little hands and feet, snuggling when they just want "mommy". Playing school, or tea party, reading their favorite book just one more time. Driving back to grandma's at midnight because you forgot Choo-choo and he can't sleep without it. Spending a small fortune on the most adorable dance outfit for her to just stand on the stage and then begin picking something off her shoe. But, you tell her she was the best one up there.

Having your heart break when they cry for you when they are in time out. The first time they go in the "Big Boy" bathroom alone. When they tell you they will go walk into the first day of class alone this time. When they ask you to be quiet because they are trying to read. When you realize you have just left them home alone to run to the store.

It goes so fast, like warp speed on a video game. No more gushing over their cute little sparkle shoes they won't take off. They are now borrowing your shoes. They don't need Choo Choo in bed with them, just on the chair, in case.

You realize you are done being Mommy. The only thing you will be is Grandma one day- waaaayyyyy in the future.

No more bottles, diapers, cribs, Elmo, or just the knowledge that you have this amazing little person who needs only you. There was a big part of me that figured one day we would adopt or magically have another baby. It feels as though my family is missing someone. Unfortunately Steve didn't get that memo. I will enjoy all the babies around me but will always have a sad heart.

They say when you get to heaven you are shown almost a snap shoot of your life. I don't want to see the bad. But, I can't wait to relive the births of my children and seeing them as innocent little kids. I have no double that I will send them off to Prom with tears, and when they go to college I will be a wreck. I can somehow picture Hannah in a long white dress on her wedding day. And in the FAR off distant becoming a mother. I will tell her to do what I did, forget the laundry for a day and just love that baby.

Jeffrey will do great things in his life. He will fall in love and I hope pick the perfect bride, he will become an amazing father because he has one to show him. It's my hope that one day he understands how to be respectful to his wife and never, ever bring the Blackberry to their bed!

Choo Choo may not make it much longer. His edges are torn and have been sewn several times, he is thin and frayed. But, he will stay with me in my cedar chest so when I feel sad I can hold him for just a moment and remember that I had my time and they were the best days of my life.

School Hangover

First Week of school is almost done, we are on T-minus 4 hours...And we have lift off to the busiest season in the life of a family. Christmas only comes in 2nd.

We all walk around the first week of school glazed over, tired, hungry and don't remember what we have been doing. We promised ourselves that we would be ready. The first week of school would be a breeze. All the clothes are hanging in the closet, paired tops and bottoms, clean socks and shiny new shoes. Hair is cut and lunch boxes are on the counter ready to hit the road. By the end of the 1st day we have done it and even had a hot dinner on the table. Signed the papers from the teachers and go to bed saying a little prayer of thanks for the start of the 1st week. BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP*BEEP

THAT IS A SOUND OF THAT GIANT TRUCK BACKING UP OVER YOU

So here is the reality of the first week of school

• Alarm sounds- you stretch and yawn. Wow it is a great morning, wait what is that, oh how sweet your hubby has already go up and started the coffee--S.W.A.K xoxo
• Man the kids look angelic this morning. "Hey kiddos how was dream land? You look rested, give me a snuggle and we will go have a extra special breakfast" kiss on the head.
• THAT'S right mommy made Back 2 School pancakes who wants one shaped like an apple or a little boy sitting at his desk- no it was not any trouble at all!
• Teeth are brushed, hair is combed and even the beds are made.
• Oh my goodness we are 10 MINUTES EARLY!! let's all stand by the tree in the front yard and take pictures.
• Off to school and hugs goodbye.
• After school snacks- applesauce and cheese stick
• Hearing about how great the 1st day is.
• Dinner as a family with something that everyone loves and look mom made dessert!! Yeah Mommy
• Bedtime and everything is good...

5th Day of School

• CRAP I totally forgot to set my alarm why didn't you set yours?
• KIDS get out of bed now we are late. Get downstairs now and get breakfast.
• NO I am not making oatmeal do you honestly think I have time to do that right now? NO eat the cereal.
• I told you two to clean out your lunch boxes- they stink
• Don't care if you don't like school lunch, unless you want to wake up earlier and make it yourself
• Yes, I know I am late picking you up I also had to go to another school and pick up your brother, go grocery shopping, make 10,000 copies for the school, buy a back to school present for your teacher, get all that additional supplies you need, and I forgot the milk.
• You seriously want me to make dinner? Are you kidding have a PB&J.
• You all better be on your best behavior and help out because next week we start, soccer, baseball, dance, art, music, church night, running club and cooking class
• AND THAT IS ALL JUST MONDAY!

So no matter how your week started or ended just know that all us mom are in this constant state of "School Hangover" together for the next 9 months...

Highway To Heaven

As I sat in church recently, I wondered if my pastor knew that most of us know how to get to heaven. They teach it in the very beginning. First Sunday school class- God created Heaven and Earth. Second Sunday school class- you get to heaven by listening to your mom and dad and finishing all your broccoli at dinner. Check, got it.

But, the big question is what will take me there? Recently I have thought about that long and hard and it brings me joy when I see the reaction on others faces when I say “Don’t waste your time digging a hole just stick me in a pine box, throw me overboard and let me enjoy the waves." The look of terror crosses the faces of those around me and they assume I’m kidding, I’m not. We put so much money and emphasis on what vehicle we take to see the Almighty that if we stepped back and realized that we could pay for the oil spill just by saving money on funerals we all may sing a different hymn in the end.

Recently I went to a funeral and this dear sweet, old woman was lying in the front of this beautiful chapel and all I could think about was the fact that her casket reminded me of a new Buick. Perfect for a sweet little grandma who lived a perfect little grandma life right until the end. As family celebrated the life of this grand lady I thought of my own grandma 2,500 miles away. She was in a crock-pot.

Not only was she preserved in a crock-pot but we didn't even splurge and get her a new one we used her old one. I think even the knob was held on with super glue. When cleaning out her house several years ago after we all had the dreaded “Grandma we just don’t think you should be alone anymore” talk with her we came across her prized possession, her Crock Pot. We also came across a plain brown paper bag with a bunch of pill bottles in it. I made the mistake of opening one of the bottles and then reading the label. Nope, not some old 1950’s cough syrup she had been saving because she knew one day they would not make it anymore. It read “Red” as in Grandma “Red”. So it seems 14 years before when grandpa died grandma scooped a little of his ashes out of the urn to save to add to hers and for us to add to ours one day as a little “family potpourri”.

It seemed so fitting that we save the Crock Pot and use it as her urn one day. It epitomized everything about her. She was a master food preserver, judging competitions and telling hopeless young moms like myself why our jam didn't set up the way it should. She could dehydrate anything, and I do mean anything. Just a word to the wise, dried apricots looks just like dried salmon but they DO NOT taste the same. Preserving, canning, and pickling ran through her veins like crack for an addict. Frenzy’s started when she would smell cucumbers pickling in a jar of fresh brine. It seemed only fitting that she herself in death as in life be preserved. I’m sure if there were a way she would have loved to be pickled or canned also.
Though it is probably very unorthodox by most modern standard of burial, to my very diverse, and that is saying it nicely, family putting grandmas ashes in a Crock Pot was the only way to send her to heaven.

Being a transplant to the south there are several things I have learned about death, and funerals. Every cemetery is decorated fit for a queen. Everyone has flowers, balloons, Christmas trees, and hearts for Valentines Day. Southerners take tending to the grave very serious. Also people have funerals on Sunday’s here. I’m from Utah and that even causes me to let out a small Gasp. And the last thing I’ve learned is once someone has passed their family takes on a very Jewish or Muslin tradition- Get them in the ground-ASAP. Not my family.

My amazing grandma passed late November 2009; we “Preserved” her for six months. Yes, she hung around on a mantle until everyone in the family and friends far and near could get together to celebrate her. This is not something I advise. Even by Utah standards this was wacky. But, once she was poured very gently and away from any flowing air vents into her trusty blue and cream Crock Pot she was laid to rest. Now I don’t think she was sitting in a holding room in heaven waiting around for us to finally do this. Can you see the conversation? I assume it would go something like this.
Grandma-“Oh hello, Angel of death, now you just go on about your business. My family likes to take their time so I’ll just be in the waiting room.”
Angel of Death- “That is not really the norm Carol, and I’ve seen some crazy stuff. You want me to go haunt them?”
Grandma-“No, I have my knitting and a good book I’ll be just fine. Oh but, if you could tell my husband what is going on that would be great.”
Angel of Death-“You know he has been eagerly waiting for your arrival, he really wants to see you.”
Grandma-“Well it serves him right having to wait for me, I really didn't want to have to wear a C-Pap machine for the last ten years but, he thought no big deal of smoking those cigars. So he is just going to have to wait for me Sugar Babe.”
Angel of Death-“Did you just call me Sugar Babe?”
Grandma-“Yes I did.”
Angel of Death-“Yeah, I really don’t know what to say right now, so you just let me know when you are ready.”

She would not have been bothered about waiting. Now maybe we could have fulfilled her dreams of always wanting a red convertible and sent her on the fast tract to eternity. But, I think she was just fine being preserved for a long road home. In the end isn’t that what we want? To be preserved in the memories of all those that we love, to never be forgot and just hang around like the smell of Sunday Pot Roast that has been cooking in the Crock Pot.

No matter how you mourn the lost of someone all that matter is that you do it. Don't tell people you are fine when you want to yell, yell and if they love you they will understand. I don't know when or where or how I will die but, this is what I'm sure about

1. Do not put me the ground. that is the fastest way for me to haunt you ass.
2. You better cry, and cry a lot I mean weeping at my grave, screaming "WHY, WHY"
3. I would like my mother to come if she is still alive. Now this is a tricky on because if my dad goes first she may just real quick stop by his service with a bag and plane tickets in her hand to Greece. So we may never know when she goes. And my mother really does not like that kind of thing- funerals in general-
4. Sing Morning Has Broken
5. And last but, not least I don't plan on leaving anytime soon so let's just not think about it.

I mourn the lost of my grandma everyday, it's not something that I can just get over. But I can laugh about it, and I can hear her talking to me. When I read I hear her ask about the book. When I cook I hear her say "Oh Kristin that smells so good." When I look at fabric I hear her whisper "Now don't you use the cheap stuff." And this morning when I was picking out cucumbers I heard her say "This just tickles me pink that you want to learn how to pickle and can, that was always my favorite domestic duty."

So you see maybe it was a slow process getting grandma to heaven. I was not able to go to her funeral, Thanks BP you crap heads, so to me she is still knitting booties, drinking Ovaline Milkshakes (Steve-O's) and reading a book with a bowl of popcorn. She is perfectly preserved in my heart and mind. And that folks is something that can't be canned and put on a shelf!

Thanks A lot Bible Ladies

Tonight was the last night of a five week Bible study I have been doing. We have studied the woman of the Bible. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, someone that starts with a B, I didn't do my homework that week. And last and certainly not least Mary. Now that I'm done with said study this is what I have walked away with.

I'm an idiot, who would have been burned at the stake. If I was a pioneer woman my husband would have been the first to take on a sister wife because I would have froze my arse someplace in Missouri. I was not made to be compared to these woman.

Take Ruth for example here it is summed up- Marries, hubby dies, goes with mother-in-law and sister-in-law. MIL says no go to your families home, she begs no I want to stay with you, finds a man, gets all fancy for him, marries him and gives her MIL the baby she has with him. HELLO I don't think so.

Tamar she is one hot mess-
Rahab another hot mess-

Mary she was not to much older than my own daughter. I fight with my daughter about the pros of using her deodorant twice a day. How do you think that conversation would go
"Hannah sweet daughter of my loin, after you use your clinical strength BO stick I have some important news for you. A lovely little angel came and told me that you are going to have the son of God in your womb. Ok honey have a good night sleep."

We are not made to have these types of conversations anymore. We are not the type of woman or men that could do these things. We are weak and that is alright. Stop comparing yourselves to Beyonce or Heidi Klum. Start setting your bar a little higher maybe, Rosa Parks or Betsy Ross. We are not modern day woman that even have the energy to do those things. What if Mary was a modern day woman. The story would be "Joseph I know you are tired but James has a dentist appointment, I promised Elizabeth that I would watch John for her and someone has to follow Jesus around while he feeds the hungry and heals the blind. He's only 14 he should not be doing that alone." I don't think so.

In this modern day we won't even take time to make our own bread and butter and we are pissed if our favorite kind is out of stock.

I know this may not make any sense. But, I for one am not going to sit around and give myself a pity party anymore. I just need to work on being me. I can't even begin to compete with these woman so I won't try anymore. Now they all teach us how to be a better person and do better things. We are fools if we don't take what they have shown us and run with it.

None of us are going to be Mary but, we can all understand what the feeling of loving someone so much that it is indescribable. Isn't that what we all need to aim for? We need to stop being a bunch of unhappy, lazy, people who feel that we are entitled to things without earning them.

And once we have mastered the task of being grateful for what we have then we can all begin mastering the task of being a better person! Until then just try to do one thing everyday that will change you or those around you for the better. We just never know what decision we make today will affect the future. Now I'm not saying go wait at the wall like a hooker. Maybe just push the shopping cart of an overwhelmed mom back to the cart return. Or take a extra second at the red light to smile at the car next to you. What if that changes his mood? You have the power to do that, now JUST DO IT!

Why I won't wear dresses to Wal-Mart

I HATE Walt-Mart. I don't care that I can get the industrial size 300 ounce of Mustard for only $3.50. I don't live in Utah any more I live in the south and people in the South think people who have 10 years of stored food in the basement are morons. No, I did not say Mormons, I said Morons.

If Wal-Mart want to help the public as much as they claim let's see some walk thru Purell stations that encompass you and your cart and children in sanitizer as you enter and exit the store. That would be a good help to the general public. I have been known to gag in my mouth upon entering the store just from the haze of a new strain of airborne Malaria only indigenous to Wal-Mart. I don't have the privilege of Super Target in the great Palmetto State. Just Target. Nothing Super. So at times I am drivin by my need of cheap grocery's and Wal-Mart is where my car is navigated to. It does not like going willing.

A month ago I had a splendid weekend away with my hubby in the mountains (Ha, I know Utahans that is funny to call them that) anyway I had bought a nice dress. After church on Sunday morning wear I wore the lovely dress I headed to WM. Ugh. Standing in the customer service line to return something from my birthday, thanks dad but the cups broke, I saw what could only be my very own WM person. I waiting in eager anticipation to see if streamers would come down but, I then realized it was up to me to keep the WM people web-site alive and well. I pulled out my phone and snapped the picture. The feeling of having known I glimped something so beautiful as a WM person caught in the act almost brought a tear to my eye. But, my eyes could not close due to the anti-sting spray I apply before I ever enter the store. Think new born baby when they wipe the goo on their eyes when they are first born, same idea.

In almost a euphoria high I begin my walk of the store. As I am walking I keep feeling a bug, or fuslee for those who don't talk German that is F-OW-S-I-L, just say it fast. I brush my leg and for a second it's gone. Then it's back, great I have a WM bug on my leg I'll need to get a shot for sure who knows where it has been. I make my way to there overpriced milk and lean back and brush it away again. No bug this time. Get the milk. Brush the leg again. Get the OJ, brush the leg again. Also during this time I am struggling with what I will call "Wrong Undies Syndrome" when you put some on and you think, Cake, got it no lines. Now a little disclaimer: I fully believe in wearing Spanx if you are awake anytime. But, it's the south and it's hotter than a you know what and Spanx would just not cut it today.: So the WUS is in full force. I opted for the lovely Victoria number that my mom and sister had bought me at Christmas that had no waist band per-say just lace. I quickly remember why I don't wear them, they fall off the waist.

Finally a little old WM lady walks over this is the conversation

WML-Oh honey what's wrong?

WUS (Me): I think I must have a bug bite on my leg it just keeps bothering me, no big deal. Thanks so much though.

WML:Now you just turn around and let me see.

I don't turn so she walks behind me.

Starts to rub my knee and leg-remember we are by the milk, she could have at least taken me to the wine aisle.

WML: I see the problem you have a little string from your dress hem hanging down.

WUS: Oh it's a new dress I should have checked for any little peices of thread. And I didn't

WML: Here let me get it for you

At this time she does not bite it off like any self respecting little old lady would do, she begins to pull, and pull, and pull, oh that's not enough pulling she keeps pulling. I see that the dark thread in her hand. At this point 2 things happen almost simultaneously.

1. My waist area starts to feel a little bit of a breeze

2. Dress is dark navy blue, thread in hand appears darker. mmm maybe that it because it is BLACK as in BLACK LACE FROM SAID UNDIE PROBLEM.

One word - starts with a S and ends with a yes "It" is really happening to you. Karma. Super.

I snatch the tread say thank you, thank you little WML and in my mind I am screaming "You pantie unraveling old hag"

I rip the thread and head for the bathroom, opps can't go the easy way because there is a regular family reunion going on. Head for the way around the meat department. In my hurried shuffle lace is unraveling with the force of a category 5 Hurricane. NNNOOOOOOOO. I begin the "No I don't have to go potty walk, my undies are heading to the ground in front of the BYGO free Oreo's" I realize fast that I have to slow down to keep them up, so I begin the as I like to call it "Keegal Shuffle" Almost like a rhythm Squeeze, Shuffle, Squeeze, Shuffle.... Ah crap traffic jam in front of the ham hock, should have know, damn it. I am now leaning against ground beef case. I have two options I feel at this time.

1. If I bend all the way to the ground like I'm tying my shoe (mm problem you are wearing flip flops, dummy) I could very carefully step out of undie that is at this point on my hips and heading for south of the boarder very fast.

2. Just drop them altogether and run like a crazy woman, and just be known as the crazy women who dropped drawers at WM. Not like that doesn't happen even few days.

No I CAN DO IT I CAN MAKE IT PAST THE PRODUCE AND B-LINE IT TO THE BATHROOM!

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

Well, I made it. No moral to the story, just wanted you to know how Karma works. SO every time you look at the WM people website there is a poor lonely soul who took that picture without underwear on somewhere in the world.

Next time remind me to tell you how, Estee Lauder, the Super Bowl, Chinese Food and a Roots Sweatsuit go together.

My Birth---Day

Yesterday I had a visit. Form the age fairy. I don't like the age fairy. I have always had a slight aversion to birthdays. Mine have never been that great. When those around me it seemed, always had such wonderful, beautiful days. I think those people suck. I have a very distinct memory as a little girl I guess I was about 5 or 6 this was the time that everyone wore one piece jumpers. They were gathered in the waist and you tied it at the shoulders. I wanted one- a black one the be exact. My birthday comes around and I open the box and there is a flowery jumper in there. I remember staring at my mom and saying "I just wanted black" she gave me some song and dance about how black was not for little girls. That's crap, all I wanted was for it to be black. My birthday, you ask "What do you want" I say a black jumper end of story. It is not a mind game or a difficult riddle they need to figure out. After that I think I pretty much figured out birthday's were just not my thing.

I enjoy celebrating birthday's and I am a self proclaimed excellent gift giver. My go WAAAYYYY over the top for my kids and love every minute of it.

Here are some of the top reasons that my birthday has not lived up to my 5 year old self standard

1. When I was about 8 my mom let me invite some girls over for a party. A girl we will call French Fry, told me that if I didn't bring her the present she got me to her the next day she would pants me in front of Kenyon. (She was an evil girl, almost of the devil evil. But, she was the only girl in the neighborhood close to my age so she was the only one I could play with. Ah I could have my own blog about her evil ways)
2. My mom got me a bra for my birthday one year and I opened it in front of my dad and uncles and they teased me. I started counseling soon after that.
3. When I was 4 my Uncle Ken- my dad's best friend- got me a parakeet, I was thrilled I wanted an animal soooo much. I assume that he did not ask my parents permission or else they would have said no. Anyways Mindy was so beautiful I was so proud I even invited French Fry over to see her. A couple months went by and Mindy was loving her life as my little bird she had a place of honor on the top of the dresser in the room I shared with my sister, Julie. We also had a dart board in the room- above the cage. Well of couse I come home go to check on my Mindy, she is laying on one side the cage and her eye the other. A dart is on the ground. That's right folks, my sister killed my bird. RIP Mindy. A moment of silence please...............................................................................................................................................................
4. When I was 13 I was so excited I was a teenager. That year I had meet all kinds of new friends and my best friends Carina and Kim and I were inseparable. I had gave both of the a surprise party and we had a great time. So I was sure that with school out they would do it for me. I waited all day, knowing at any time someone would burst in. Yeah, no they came for about 1/2 hour and brought me a balloon and drink for 7-11.
5. When I turned 14 we had moved from West Valley to Sandy. At the end of my 8th grade year. I was so sad. And made sure my parents knew it. No friends came to visit unless my mom picked them up, no party nothing. It was not good. My mom knew I was about to go 14 year old crazy on her so she had my sister take me to Smith's and get a birthday cake and she would pick it up latter. Well I was the one that started the revolution of MTV's Blingest Birthday Cakes. I ordered a giant cake and then took my time with Julie arranging all the little plastic people for all the different cakes on it. I had one from an over the hill cake of a big man with his remote in a brown recliner in the middle, a hunter holding a shot gun to his head, deer throughout, Little Mermaid swimming, you name it I had it. My mom comes home hours latter livid. My cake cost over $ 60.00. But, in my defense we used those figures on all future cakes for years.
6. When I was pregnant with Hannah I was on very limited activity. Because I was the size of a killer whale and if the flood gates should open, I would be my own personally Tsunami. I was fat, swollen, hot, tired, throwing up ALL DAY LONG, I could have been the spokes person for abstinence in high schools and becoming a nun would have been on the rise. We will call her Geo, Geo was visiting our family. That night my grandma was making a nice meal and everyone was going to come over as stare at me waiting for me to pop look Veruka on Willey Wonka. Fun times for all. Anyways I was resting in my parents room and Geo was in the other room talking to my gram. She told gram how a friend had given her this set of little wire birds. I thought wire birds, that's dumb. We can all see where this is going. Yeah, she gave me a wire bird that evening, not only that she also talked about how when she saw these she thought about how I was the mamma bird and I would look after my baby bird. We should have know then that gram was failing, she was sitting there crying. Like this was a whole new story and she had never seen the birds. Good lord, if you are going to re-gift, DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT AND DON"T TALK ABOUT IT IN THE SAME PLACE AS THE NEW GIFTEE. GOLL SHE WAS A WANKER
7. I've spend two birthday's alone
8. My family buried my grandpa and celebrated my birthday the same weekend, classy.
9. When I was pregnant with Jeffrey and Hannah was 2 they told us on my birthday that the swollen lymph node could possible be Lymphoma Cancer. They would do surgery ASAP.
10. And the top reason birthday's suck.... Yesterday was the first birthday without my grandma. She was usually the 1st to call. When I lived in St. George both years she showed up before 9 am (Grandma sleeps till like noon) she told me the 1st year she was so excited that she got to be with me and how much she loved me. Called me Sugarbabe gave me a kiss and just stayed with me all day. The next year she showed up and we quilted, and she told me stories, we napped, watched movies and went to dinner. Every year she gave me a card telling me how much she loved me, what I had done that year to show such strength and courage. And she always gave me a cookbook. I loved my grandma more than words can describe. I understand she is better off now, no pain, watching over us, we'll be together, yada yada. But, today or well yesterday was my day. All about me, and well it was MY first MY day without her and well it hurts so bad it takes my breath away.

Excuse me but, you have dancing boobs

Today I watched in wonder as a grown woman carried around a little dog in the front of her shirt stuffed between her breast. I saw several people touching her there and wondered what the hell?

Then a little flesh toned Taco Bell dog stuck it's little head up. Nahhhh, this is some kind of joke she just has a really nasty puppet she shows little kids. Nope. A dog.

Now here is the thing I love animals. Dogs most of all. When I was little all I ever wanted was a dog. I would steal them every so often from the neighbors down the street, now that I'm older I now understand why my mom use to call them trailer trash. They had all kinds of little dogs. So every couple months I would take one that was wondering bring it home and start to cry. "Mom look how cute it has no home, and it loves me already", she would yell at me tell me to stop stealing the neighbor doors and bring it home.

My dad being the brainiac of the family thought the only way to give me a taste of real pet ownership was to buy me some fish. Fish the most worthless family pet ever. Here sit in front of a glass tank and watch fish swim from one end to the other. Now here is the really great part.

1. DON'T EVER TOUCH THEM
2. DON'T EVER TRY TO GET THERE ATTENTION

That is pretty much all there is. Ignore them and before you know it you will have a Plecostomus named Sam that is a foot long. Super can we bring them to show and tale? No.

I use to love to go to my best friends house because she had dogs, all kinds. Big ones, small one, ugly ones, cute ones. You name it. I was in heaven.

But, I came home to fish. So you see I understand the love people have for pets. It is a deep love. One that at times you think you may love your animal more than your kids and husband.

When I was 13 just before Christmas I had just had another big fight with my parents about why they did not love me because they would not get me a freakin dog. I remember my mom saying "But, we take you to Europe and you have seen castles" Well you know what mom, even Crazy King Ludwig had a dog. My dad left all huffy and angry that he was dealing with this again. Three house later he walked in the kitchen where I was with my mom and said "Merry Christmas" wrapped in his coat was the picture perfect little tiny black puppy. Thor. Thor was the love of my life. I even thought about giving up my love for The New Kids One The Block for him- but, remember I was 13.

Thor brought this family together. The stern banker carried around this little puppy in a Santa hat for weeks, tucked him under the covers with him when they took naps. The stone cold heart of the German softened ever so slightly. Now it is most likely a old family myth but, it has been told that she uttered the words, "OHHH mommy loves her little Thor" Now she could be placed in a Mexican War camp before she would ever admit to it. The 17 year old, Julie even feel in love with Thor. Our family went a little crazy for this little dog.

Thor was with us for 13 years. I could write many stories about Thor, but I will do that another day. The point is we love dogs. My dogs now are like other hairy children. Alsta is deaf and we are waiting for her to join Thor soon. Phoebe is my sweetheart. I adore them.

But, how would it look if I went for a walk and a German Shepard stuck her head out from between my breast? Where do you store the leash?

Now I think dog strollers are one of the dumbest inventions ever. However I will take that over this any day.

People that go overboard with there animals are freaks. Just being honest. You are not ok in the nogin if you think it's ok to feed your animal off of your fork then stick it into the salad that everyone else is eating. Do people need to take classes when they get animals?

• No I will not leave my dog in a hot or cold car
• No I will not let my dog off their leash at the park
• No I will not let me dog create a nest between my boobs and carry it around.

That seems like common sense.